I know I have been away for a long time.

I don’t mean to.  I’m sorry guys.  I have not forgotten anybody, just you know.  I do have a second RP tumblr I try and stay active on, also with email RPs.  Just, I won’t lie.  I’ve been dealing with a lot lately.  Our case is still ongoing, we just wanna get the hell out of this trailer, we’ve all been stressed, etc.  Kiddo is back in school.  He’s doing amazing.  He’s so smart.  He’s the smartest one out of his entire class.  He’s coming early this week and staying the whole week-weekend with us.  

I just won’t lie.  I’ve been dealing with my health lately and my moods have been up and down.  I am bi-polar, which doesn’t help.  When I have a high, I’m on cloud 9.  When I get a low, it’s full blown depression.  Just, it’s hard not having insurance, so I can go see this new stomach doctor.  Everyone has referred me to him, and most have gone to him for IBDs and say he is the ABSOLUTE BEST.  Like, he gives a shit.  And last Sunday, I actually had a breakdown while I was in the car with my mom.  I mean, I couldn’t even stop it.  I broke down.  Cried; sobbing actually.  Just because I am so scared and TIRED.  And I try to hide it from everyone else.  I don’t mean to not want to RP, or get on the computer.  But some days I just want to hide, and just go on Youtube and get lost in senseless Let’s Play videos and just…hide.  I’m so scared because I’m afraid my condition is turning me into someone with an eating disorder.  I hear myself telling myself and my family more often than not that ‘I don’t care if I don’t eat anything at all today.’  

That’s frightening.

And I hate myself for saying it, but it happens.  Because it seems everything out there to eat, bothers me.  Even when I don’t eat, I’m in pain and the pain itself is just…wearing me so so thin.  I’m not so depressed that I want to do what my father did.  That will NEVER, EVER happen.  In fact, in October, my city is FINALLY (for the first time in my knowledge at least) hosting this whole event for survivors of suicide victims.  You can meet up with others who have been through what I have been through, and we can support one another and talk.  Booths with food and crafts and the works.  Even a 3 mile walk/run, where it raises money for suicide prevention.  It’s what I have been wanting to do since I lost my father to suicide: help others.  It’s the least I can do for him.

I don’t mean to vent.  And I feel like maybe I’ve pissed my RP buddy on my email RP off, cause I just…don’t get the passion anymore.  It’s hard to when all day you just suffer in silence.  Some days, I don’t want to get out of bed.  Some days, all I can do is breathe.  I don’t mean to unload and vent; it’s just sometimes I feel like others expect more out of me and I’m failing them.  Failing myself.  

I just hope some day, I can get insurance, and maybe, just maybe, this doctor will listen seriously enough to consider that what I have is more than just IBS.  I’ve read you can still have an IBD without the inflammation.  And some stuff I have been diagnosed with, doesn’t happen with IBS.  I know more is up; I just want someone official and medical profession wise to believe me.  Maybe then, all my suffering won’t seem so bad.  I’m sorry.  I just wanted to really let you guys know why I’ve been away.  And that I haven’t meant to.


I forget if I mentioned it to you guys or not, but my grandma got diagnosed with breast cancer about a month or so ago.  Mom and I both got our breasts checked out, and we both came back negative and okay.  The lump that was in my breast was calcification in a pocket of scar tissue left over from my reduction surgery.

My grandma had a lumpectomy done about a week ago.  She’s doing well from the surgery.  Blood pressure is getting a little high, so they are monitoring that, and she’s been put on strict watch by my aunt, to make sure she stays hydrated (that’s important).  But the results from her surgery came back.  All the area surrounding the cancerous lump is negative and clear.  Her surrounding lymph nodes are negative and clear (Thank GOD) and it seems she’ll need little to none radiation (no chemo whatsoever).  So all in all, it sounds like they got all the cancer and grandma will be just fine!  So we’re all so, so, so relieved.

I haven’t meant to be away.  My meds have not been working as well as I would have liked, so my stomach has been keeping me kind of away a lot.  Been losing way more sleep and not being able to eat much, to recharge my batteries or anything.  I’m managing as best as I can.  I’ve had a lot of people forward me plenty of names of GI/Crohn’s etc specialists that I can see once I have some money.  I’m planning on taking a chunk out of settlement for that sole purpose.  I think more/additional tests need to be ran.

We still have our accident case going.  We’re unsure whether or not we still have to do depositions and what not.  And our attorney is trying to avoid any unwanted court proceedings.  I can’t imagine sitting in a court room for hours on end, just to relay once again, how I was just a passenger in all this.  Not driving.  So, you know, my case should be open/shut (you’d think).  STILL HOPING that by the end of the year, we’ll have this all wrapped up and we’ll get our settlements.  We need it.  We’ve been struggling quite a bit here.  (Summer months are always kind of rough on the bills).

Had my 10 year High School Reunion last weekend (God, I’m old :/ )  It went well.  Reconnected with a few of my old classmates.  Got to see a good bit of them.  Everyone basically danced and drank and had fun.

Also, Ethan will be coming down this weekend to celebrate the 4th of July, but after the 4th, two weeks from then, Ethan will be down again.  Except this time, he’s staying with us an entire month.  So, we’re tickled pink, but it means my babysitting duties have grown a lot more so lol, it’s why I’ll probably be gone some more.  I don’t like to have my nose too much into electronic stuff when the kiddo is down.  Cause, he’s only going to be this age and this little once; I’d hate to miss all that due to me not being able to turn away from a Youtube video.  Plus, this aunt is going to try and come up with some clever, fun ideas to do with him during this month.  (I already have glow in the dark ring toss, printing up little menus from “his made up” restaurant and actually cooking and serving some of his made up dishes, I’d like to make some candy sushi with him, etc).  Just some cool stuff.  Because the boy can get involved and pretty wrapped up in his video games.  And I want to try and have him…do a bit more, you know.  But it’ll be fun.  

So that’s my little update.  I don’t purposely mean to be away a lot or ignore my friends or anything.  Just still a good bit on the plate, way too much activity than what I’m used to, but I haven’t forgotten anyone on here.  I will come on from time to time, to post pictures and all.  I want to try and actively document this summer, his time here.  And to share some with you guys as well.  :)

Jun 9

A little nervous.

Won’t lie.  Since finding out my grandmother’s got breast cancer, we’ve been taking precautionary measures.  The same day as grandma’s surgery, mom goes for her mammogram.  Afraid mom may have something.  Afraid something may go wrong with my grandma’s surgery.  Or that they may not get rid of all the cancer.  Or whatever.

And in two days, I go in for a diagnostic mammogram, because there is still that knot in my breast.  I’m so scared it’s something bad.  The doc says it’s a good sign that it moves with the tissue, but you never know.  I’m praying it’s just a cyst.  A normal cyst that women get in there sometimes.

Wish me luck.  I’ll let everyone know what they say, if they find out exactly what it is with the mammogram.  If they need more testing, I’ll have to get a ultrasound of the breast done.

Yeah.  It’s just been one stressful thing after another.  I’m ready to get off the Bus of Stresses for a while.  I’m to the point where life keeps throwing stress and shit at me, that I wanna scream and rip my hair out.  Having chronic stomach pain and everything else doesn’t make any of this shit better.

Yeah, I’ve been absent a lot again

Life.  We just found out my grandmother has breast cancer.  The doctors believe we caught it early, so they believe grandma should make a good recovery, but still, she’s 84 years old.  It’s a cancer that can grow and it’s still cancer.  So, she goes in for a lumpectomy in June, and while they remove the lump/cancer/tumor, they will be checking her lymph nodes, to make sure the cancer hasn’t spread there (if it has, then it’s REALLY bad).  After the surgery, once they biopsy the tumor, they will determine if my grandma needs chemo or radiation or both.  If it seems she will need that, I’ll be going up to NC to stay with her a while.  

I had at least one grandparent who died from cancer (my grandpa; this grandma’s husband).  And I was so little, I didn’t even know or could even understand at the time.  Never got to say goodbye.  Even if all this is minor treatments and all, I feel I need to go up there and keep her spirits up and make sure things are fine, since my mom can’t go herself.  And since grandma does have breast cancer, mom and I have scheduled ourselves to get checked.  Mine has to begin with a regular exam, and if there is concern, other tests will be ran.  But I go in for that on Wednesday, so wish me luck guys.  It would just be all I need to have something wrong, on top of my stomach issues.

Sorry I’ve been away.  Just, life doesn’t slow down for me.  And it’s hard sometimes when you’re dealing with so much.  Not an excuse but still, that’s my kind of update.

I just want to say to two, dear friends: Loarfy and Goblinshins

You two make an absolutely perfect and cute couple!  I hope you two are having a blast and that it’s filled with love.  So happy for both of you.

Sorry. I’m still here, just been going through a lot

Between family issues arising with Ethan’s mom and such, and then Ethan coming over more than usual, and Howie with his seizures.  

Which, were coming closer apart.  

And on the 14th of March, Howie actually had a stroke.  He stopped eating, wouldn’t drink, wouldn’t and couldn’t move, eyes darting this way and that, head tilting to one side, face drope on that side; he couldn’t even stand to go potty.  And I had to, make the painful decision, to put him down on the 15th.  So my last Boston Terrier baby, Howie (the one I was extremely close to) went to Heaven/Rainbow Bridge on March 15th.

I’m okay.  It still hurts.  Now, it’s trying to manage without a dog, until this household can raise enough money for a new puppy.  Which is hard, considering how we barely get by every month.  And we haven’t even heard when we’ll get our settlements.

Not trying to be a downer.  Just, explaining why I may not have been in the mood to get on as often as I did.  I still love Tumblr, just, dealing with a lot. Sorry.

Mar 1

RIP Harold Ramis

Damn.  We lost a legend Monday.  And being a huge fan of his, I didn’t even hear the news until Tuesday, and I had myself a little cry about it already.  Comedy will truly never be the same again, and I appreciate all the laughs I got from his movies and characters.

RIP Harold; my favorite Ghostbuster, a legend.

Thank you for your work, because it was some of your movies that would bring my father and I closer together, when we would drift apart.  Make people laugh up in Heaven, including my father.




I don’t have the pictures on hand, and it’s not quite like this, but the humor will be appreciated.  Our local, big mall, got renovated a year or so ago.  To look more like a fancy boulevard shopping deal.  Anyways, they had a construction site whose name was Hoar Constructions. (Sounds like whore).  And they were situated next to Dick’s Sporting Goods.  And they were putting in a BJ’s Brewhouse and Restaurant.  Put it all together.  Hoar, with Dick’s and BJ’s.  Cracked up for months during the construction! :p

(Source: tastefullyoffensive)

Yeah I’m more convinced my issue has been Crohn’s all along

Been reading up on Crohn’s lately, and a lot of people forget that it’s actually an autoimmune disease of the gut.  But since it is autoimmune, it means your immune system, for some reason, attacks itself.  Now, yes, Crohn’s is primarily in the gut, but it seems it can attack other systems as well.  I’ve read it can cause issues to the liver, gallbladder, kidneys, pancreas, bones/joints, eyes, among more things.

It just seems, very odd, that suddenly in the past almost 3 years I’ve been suffering with constant symptoms, that suddenly I am having issues with other organs.  I’ve had IBS ever since I was 10 or 11.  I know what that’s like.  I had my other organs checked for a while when I was having bouts of IBS, and everything was good.  

Now suddenly, in the past 3-4 years I’ve had: kidney stones, my gallbladder stopped working and had to be removed, I developed NASH in my liver, and now, who’s to say my pancreas isn’t acting up (because my GI doctors never really fricken checked it! Even though I STRESSED to them that we have had several people from the family who have DIED from pancreatic cancer).  And none of the GI docs have ever even thought for me to do that capsule camera thing, so it can photograph my small intestines, where Crohn’s usually lurks.  

So, I have decided enough is enough.  I know my own body.  This doesn’t seem like IBS.  This seems really, really different, and the more I research, the more I’m convinced it’s Crohn’s.  I may not have abdominal bleeding, but who’s to say that, if it is Crohn’s, one day I may start bleeding in the gut?  It may be in the early stages, which is why it’s so important for someone to catch it, if it is that.  If I can catch it early, maybe I can start working on getting on the path to remission.

I mean, having these issues for so long have changed a lot about how I look and think at food.  I don’t get hunger pangs anymore.  I don’t salvage at the look of food.  I can go whole DAYS without eating a single thing.  And when I do eat, it doesn’t last long.  And even though, number wise, no weight has come off really (15 pounds so far) but mass wise, people feel I am shrinking.  And I really hate to think what my way of thinking about food would develop into, if this continues.  

So my game plan is, when my insurance is all worked out (cause I still don’t know which is the right option for me), I am going to do a few online Crohn’s assessment tests.  Then, set up an appointment with a GI who specializes in Crohn’s and such.  Bring him the tests, bring him all the results and paperwork I have thus far on myself.  And tell him to do it all over again.  Do it all over.  Blood work, samples, swab my damn mouth if you got to.  Ultrasound, X-ray, the capsule thing, do it all over.  Cause I’m just tired.  My other GI doctors just told me what was wrong and basically sent me on my way.  Like they didn’t care.  So hopefully maybe I’ll finally get on the right path of finding a doctor who will do something for me.  

I know it’s not something you guys wanna talk about, but still, it’s so you all know what’s been up.


Whenever I hear Gavin and Michael it makes me think of Wheatley and Karkat. So I made this video one day so that I could see what I was imagining and decided to post it on youtube because I haven’t come out with an AMV in a while. Hope you enjoy. 

OMG I’m so glad for this!  I always envisioned (I love you Stephen Merchant) but Gavin could make one killer Wheatley too lol! This fan made/dubbed video confirms it lol!