I don’t mean to. I’m sorry guys. I have not forgotten anybody, just you know. I do have a second RP tumblr I try and stay active on, also with email RPs. Just, I won’t lie. I’ve been dealing with a lot lately. Our case is still ongoing, we just wanna get the hell out of this trailer, we’ve all been stressed, etc. Kiddo is back in school. He’s doing amazing. He’s so smart. He’s the smartest one out of his entire class. He’s coming early this week and staying the whole week-weekend with us.
I just won’t lie. I’ve been dealing with my health lately and my moods have been up and down. I am bi-polar, which doesn’t help. When I have a high, I’m on cloud 9. When I get a low, it’s full blown depression. Just, it’s hard not having insurance, so I can go see this new stomach doctor. Everyone has referred me to him, and most have gone to him for IBDs and say he is the ABSOLUTE BEST. Like, he gives a shit. And last Sunday, I actually had a breakdown while I was in the car with my mom. I mean, I couldn’t even stop it. I broke down. Cried; sobbing actually. Just because I am so scared and TIRED. And I try to hide it from everyone else. I don’t mean to not want to RP, or get on the computer. But some days I just want to hide, and just go on Youtube and get lost in senseless Let’s Play videos and just…hide. I’m so scared because I’m afraid my condition is turning me into someone with an eating disorder. I hear myself telling myself and my family more often than not that ‘I don’t care if I don’t eat anything at all today.’
And I hate myself for saying it, but it happens. Because it seems everything out there to eat, bothers me. Even when I don’t eat, I’m in pain and the pain itself is just…wearing me so so thin. I’m not so depressed that I want to do what my father did. That will NEVER, EVER happen. In fact, in October, my city is FINALLY (for the first time in my knowledge at least) hosting this whole event for survivors of suicide victims. You can meet up with others who have been through what I have been through, and we can support one another and talk. Booths with food and crafts and the works. Even a 3 mile walk/run, where it raises money for suicide prevention. It’s what I have been wanting to do since I lost my father to suicide: help others. It’s the least I can do for him.
I don’t mean to vent. And I feel like maybe I’ve pissed my RP buddy on my email RP off, cause I just…don’t get the passion anymore. It’s hard to when all day you just suffer in silence. Some days, I don’t want to get out of bed. Some days, all I can do is breathe. I don’t mean to unload and vent; it’s just sometimes I feel like others expect more out of me and I’m failing them. Failing myself.
I just hope some day, I can get insurance, and maybe, just maybe, this doctor will listen seriously enough to consider that what I have is more than just IBS. I’ve read you can still have an IBD without the inflammation. And some stuff I have been diagnosed with, doesn’t happen with IBS. I know more is up; I just want someone official and medical profession wise to believe me. Maybe then, all my suffering won’t seem so bad. I’m sorry. I just wanted to really let you guys know why I’ve been away. And that I haven’t meant to.